This is one hell of a crazy climate story.

“In the depths of the ocean, and out of sight for most of us, there’s a quiet miracle happening. Many humpback whale populations, previously devastated by commercial whaling, are making a comeback.”

I can already see you asking: ‘Why is this a climate story? Have you lost your mind (again), Kevin?’

Probably. But still:

“On average a single [humpback] whale stores around 33 tonnes of CO2. If we consider only the Antarctic humpback whales that breed in Brazil, protecting this population alone has resulted in 813,780 tonnes of CO2 being stored in the deep sea. That’s around twice the yearly CO2 emissions of a small country like Bermuda or Belize, according to 2018 emissions data. That’s because when a whale dies naturally, it exports carbon stored in its gigantic body to the deep sea, keeping it locked up for centuries.”

What the actual awesome frickity-flip is this mind-blowing transmogrification?!

It is now time to bring out the “Whale pump”:

“Wherever whales, the largest living things on earth, are found, so are populations of some of the smallest, phytoplankton. These microscopic creatures not only contribute at least 50 percent of all oxygen to our atmosphere, they do so by capturing about 37 billion metric tons of CO2, an estimated 40 percent of all CO2 produced. To put things in perspective, we calculate that this is equivalent to the amount of CO2 captured by 1.70 trillion trees—four Amazon forests’ worth—or 70 times the amount absorbed by all the trees in the US Redwood National and State Parks each year. More phytoplankton means more carbon capture.”

This is where whale poop enters the picture (you knew it was coming).

Yep, it’s whale poop that feeds the pump:

“It turns out that whales’ waste products contain exactly the substances—notably iron and nitrogen—phytoplankton need to grow. Whales bring minerals up to the ocean surface through their vertical movement, called the ‘whale pump’.”

Here’s a pretty picture of the whale poop pump: (click to zoom)

Try and get those ‘buoyant fecal plumes’ out of your mind faster than Cotton Eye Joe.

I dare you.

Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?

Sorry. Focus Kevin, focus.

If your mind still isn’t entirely blown, this might help:

“This is where the whales come in. If whales were allowed to return to their pre-whaling number of 4 to 5 million—from slightly more than 1.3 million today—it could add significantly to the amount of phytoplankton in the oceans and to the carbon they capture each year. At a minimum, even a 1 percent increase in phytoplankton productivity thanks to whale activity would capture hundreds of millions of tons of additional CO2 a year, equivalent to the sudden appearance of 2 billion mature trees. Imagine the impact over the average lifespan of a whale, more than 60 years.”

Two billion trees a year! Madness.

Basically, we’d be stupid not to turn the oceans over to whales for like forever now thank you very much Jesus.

I’m now taking bets on the first airline to switch from trees to whales for their dodgy carbon offset magical party trick schemes.

Let’s get those whales pooping and procreating and Make America Great Again!

Or something like that.

[Cover photo source unclear. It is either from Getty or ISTOCK/JAMESTEOHART]